Not Meant to Be...

Well, don't get your hopes up just yet. That's what I did, then I had to be horribly disappointed. As most of you know Al and I have been trying to have a baby FOREVER. Not really, but 4 years feels like forever when practically every person you know is popping out a kid. We had worked with my OBGYN for a while and finally it got to the point where she wasn't able to treat us anymore, so off we went to a Fertility Specialist. Our doctor has been rated one of America's top 100 doctors a few times, so I knew we were in good hands. I find him to be a great doctor, easy to talk to (I always ask a lot of dumb questions), and very supportive. I've been seeing him off and on for the last 2 years. When we found out we were going to have to do the shots we took some time to save up (they cost A LOT of money). Well we recently started the shots. I didn't feel like telling anyone because I didn't want someone asking me every other week if I was pregnant. Well we did one round of shots and an IUI (insemination) and everything looked good, but no luck. So we did another month of shots and I developed so many follicles that they decided not to do an IUI because the risk of multiples was too great. So they told us to go home and try the "old fashioned" way. Al was upset because he felt like we wasted our money on the shots. Well 2 weeks later I took a test and it came back negative. Surprise, surprise. I decided not to go to my doctor for a blood test. I wanted to rest my arms. I was averaging 4 blood tests a week and I looked like a druggie. Plus my doctor is a good 30 miles away, so I decided to save on gas. Well a few weeks later I went back to my doctor to get a prescription to start shots again and he said since I hadn't started my period I had to get a blood test. Ugh. So I gave some of my blood and my nurse told me she'd call me in the morning.
Well we were having a work lunch-in and one of the guys answers the phone and proceeds to tell me and everyone else that my OBGYN was on the phone...Thanks. So she says, "well the test came back positive." I reply, "oh ok." It didn't sink in. I have gotten 48 months of negatives. So then she says, "You're pregnant." I immediately start crying and shaking. Everyone in my office knew right then. I couldn't wait to tell Al. I even went and bought an Astro's onesie, wrapped it up and gave it to him when I got home. I set up a profile on babyzone. I was ready to go. I only told 3 people (besides my work group), but I wanted to shout it from the rooftop. I'm pregnant. The infertile one is pregnant! Well a few days later I went back into the doctor, more blood work and the nurse called with the results. My HCG levels and rose, but not doubled like they were supposed to. I immediately got on the Internet (bad decision) and tried to find out all I could. Everything was leaning towards a miscarriage. I was devastated, but tried to remain hopeful. I went back a few days later for more blood work and my HCG levels plummeted. My doctor told me I was beginning to miscarry. I got the news at work and had to sit there all day while my heart was breaking. I lost the one thing I've always wanted. I had such a bad headache while I was at work from trying not to ball my eyes out. Some of the guys started making cracks like "Oh you'll never make it 9 months, I feel bad for your husband, etc, etc." I wanted to kill all of them. I hadn't told them yet, so it wasn't their fault, but still it was like pouring salt into an open wound. I felt like it happened so fast I didn't get to enjoy it. Part of me wishes I had never known at all. Then again I was ecstatic because I actually got pregnant. It's been a week now and I haven't started miscarrying yet. I go back for blood work on Thursday to decide what the next step is. I am praying I don't have to have a D & C, but it wouldn't surprise me if I did. I also heard about these pills that make your body contract and force a miscarriage. I don't know what's worse, they both seem awful. I've been so sad about this miscarriage, but I am holding onto the hope that we can get pregnant. There is always the next round of shots and it may work again. Keep us in your prayers and we'll keep you updated.